How it is.

Tomorrow night, I have to go to this event for work. Its basically like a speed-dating thing for charities. All these young professionals gather at this place and all these reps from different charities are there and they tell us all about themselves and try to get us to give them money/do charity work for them. This year, they are all human-related charities, not a single humane society or dog rescue among them. So good luck to them with getting money out of me. And why I was invited to an event for "young" professionals, I'll never know. Which reminds me, I need to register for that thing before I leave.

But K and I were supposed to mow the grass tomorrow night. And I feel horribly guilty for leaving him by himself. Not because he'll mow the grass alone, but just because I won't be home with him. But I need to do these kinds of things to get ahead where I work - they're very big into charity work. Maybe I can talk him into mowing on Thursday night instead.

As you can see (and if you know us, then you probably already know this), we have a pretty serious co-dependency thing happening. If something horrible were to happen to one of us, it would be pretty ugly. Lots of people say its not healthy to be like this - to need someone - for another person to be vital to your happiness. Well, fuck them. I like needing someone and I like that He needs me to be happy too. It occured to me one night on the way home, "Holy shit - we're so attached, so connected, no one gets out of this alive." That's how it feels and sometimes its scary because bad shit happens all the time - and like tomorrow night, I will literally suffer through the entire evening because I could be at home with him but I won't be - but the vast majority of the time, it feels good. Warm, cozy, like being wrapped in a warm blanket, held in strong arms. I mean, who would pass up a relationship with someone who still causes you to get butterflies in your stomach when you see them 13 years after that first butterfly?? Just to be safe, to keep yourself at arm's length? No way, man, not me. And believe me, I arm's-lengthed this thing for a long time. I tried to fight it. I tried to keep myself just far enough back to be safe, but it didn't work - it was never going to work. I'm all in.